Fear

First things that come to mind...?

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas?
Fear (starring Reese Witherspoon and Mark Wahlberg)?
Fear mongering?

None of these things are the topic of today's blog.

During this somewhat tumuluous time in my life, I fear many things. My fiance told me that he knows he loves me because he is afraid of losing me, and I would have to agree; that is how I feel about him as well. For me, that fear is not a fear of us seperating or ending our relationship, because that is a conscious choice that we would choose to make together. I fear losing him in a way that is unavoidable, irreversible and final. A fear of the unknown, or the uncontrollable. If something were to ever happen, or when something happens rather, I need it to be later rather than sooner. I need for us both to live to a ripe old age, with a lifetime of experiences, happiness, sadness, and memories to look back on together. I need for us to have a small family in 5 years, for us to be settled in a place we both adore to watch our children grow, and for us to be happy in our jobs and in our marriage. I need for us to travel to far off places, for us to enjoy every new culture we visit and make all of our dreams come true. I need for us to depend on each other now and forever, to laugh at our own mistakes and learn to make each other smile when things get tough. I need to live my life with Daniel as my partner, and I need to be a part of his life. Period.

We have so many plans. Plans for tomorrow and plans for 50 years from now, and I'm going to need those things to happen. Now, that's not to say that if something (and many, many somethings will) derailed a plan, we couldn't work through it and make new plans. We can and we will make new plans and rethink a million things between now and next week, I'm sure, but set-backs are only temporary. My fear is that my best friend, my partner in crime, my other half will somehow unexpectedly be taken from me before we can see all of the great things we have planned for ourselve come to fruition. This is not an all-consuming, overwhelming fear that I can't escape. I think that it is a very healthy fear, actually, and I feel that fear is an essential element of love and of life.

I suppose that this fear originates from the thought that I won't appreciate all of the time we have together now. That one day, many, many years from now, I will be old and alone, thinking back on all of the time I had, and how little time I have left, and regretting things. I don't want to neglect all of the opportunites I have to just enjoy life with Daniel and to inspire people by being someone who seizes the day, despite fear!

I also fear failure. This has a lot to do with school progressing and my insecurities about entering a new field, the healthcare field. I had never been exposed to it before beginning nursing school. I don't ever remember a time when I was hospitalized (or old enough to remember it) and I don't have family members who work in the profession, so everything is new, new, NEW! The newness, coupled with the fact that I've never stuck with anything long enough to complete it (except this!), is somewhat terrifying. Not to mention, the thought of being responsible for someone else's well-being is beyond intimidating. I have recently completed my resume and started applying for jobs at two of the local hospitals. I am lucky in that we live around tons of different medical facilites, but I really want to get my foot in the door at a hospital so that I have a better chance at securing a nursing job when the time comes and I have my license. I am currently waiting to hear from one of the hospitals about a nurse tech job I applied for and I am just so afraid I won't hear anything, or that I won't get the job if I am offered an interview or that the world will end before I even get the chance to be an employee of a hospital! I fear all I am destined for is retail and waitressing jobs, HELP!

Ok, so I am exaggerating a bit here, but still, I can freak out, right?

I had my hospital orientation for my clinical group from school earlier today. My clinicals this semester are at a hospital a few towns over, so I'd never been there before. The orientation and hospital tour were amazing... if I can say that orientation was amazing, just imagine how amazing working there for clincals is going to be. Seriously, I am stoked. This place was real, real nice (hillbilly accent) with state-of-the-art equipment and all the staff was super nice, including our new clinical instructor. He seems like a badass for sure. Anyone who is a teacher for the North Central Texas College associate degree nursing program and says the words, "I'm not a stickler about paperwork" is a friend of mine! Besides, he seems like a nice guy with a lot of connections in the hospital world, which is exactly what an experience-hungry nursing student craves.

I fear that if I do get this job I'm vying for or when I am at the hospital with school, I will be expected to do things and know things that I just won't know how to do or I won't know what in the hell they're talking about. This fear of failure or inadequacy is something I've been feeling creep in more and more now that I am more than halfway done with earning my degree. I am less than one year away from being responsible for sick people's lives. For the lives of newborn babies and people who don't have the capacity to care for themselves. This is daunting.

Relax, this ain't my first rodeo...

Although I have this fear, I also have this little piece of confidence that hides out in the back of my mind and reassures me when I stop freaking out long enough to hear it. You are intelligent. You are capable. You are not the only person who feels like this. You can do this. I cannot wait to DO this.

Mostly, I find, that my fear comes in the form of anticipation. Anticipation of what is yet to come. I feel like the whole world will soon open up to me, and I couldn't be more excited to dive in.

All of these up and down emotions I've been feeling are good because I am learning from them. I am learning from myself, which is neat. I am learning that the world truly is my oyster, so I should never let the fear I have of  the unknown overcome the adventure of finding a pearl... or something like that...




Aaaaand, in other news, my nephew will be born this Friday! Hip, hip, HOORAY! I feel like this child has been in utero for like at least a year now.

Anyway, things are going well and I'll just keep hurrying to slow down;]

Take Care.